My Love
One of the only things that “Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time” in my life that still seems like a good idea now, is marrying my husband Andrew. Here’s how that all went down….
Home on spring break during my senior year of college in 1998, I showed up at church, as usual, on the Sunday I was home. I noticed a guy there. A new guy. As with every new single person with a pulse who graced the threshold of First Baptist Los Altos, there was quite the buzz about him. “Did you meet the new guy, Andrew? He’s from Australia!” “Did you hear the new guy’s accent?” “Did you know Andrew just moved into an apartment in Palo Alto?” I made a mental note of a few things: A) He was at church, so he most likely had some kind of moral code and values. Score. B) If he was here from Australia, clearly he didn’t mind traveling and was possibly adventurous and outgoing. Another plus. C) If he was living in Palo Alto, he clearly had a job…and with Bay Area housing costs, it was most likely an actual career. Career=motivated and driven, at least in my mind. Always a good thing.
All of us college and “singles group” folk generally sat in the same area of the sanctuary during the service. I think the official name of the group was “College and Careers”. I always thought it was nice the way they lumped the singles into the college group….. It was far less depressing that way, instead of separating the singles and calling us something like “The Group who Clearly Didn’t Receive their MRS. Degree in College.”
Anyway, I saw Andrew from a distance during the service. I cannot explain it, but I was instantly drawn to him. I felt oddly connected to him and we had not even met yet. After the service, I noticed a small crowd of female admirers had gathered around him, chatting and hair-flipping away. I put it out of my mind and I headed across the street to the bagel/coffee shop to work on some journaling and reading I had been putting off. (#procrastinator)
I had been sitting in that bagel store all of about 15 minutes when the door flung open, and lo and behold, Andrew walked in, with 2 other guys from the group. He made eye contact with me, and to this day I still remember he immediately headed straight for me with his hand outstretched. I reached my hand out in response and he shook it. His hand was warm and soft…it felt like home. He introduced himself and he said he had wanted to meet me after the service. We had a brief conversation, and he left with the 2 other guys. I felt strangely electrified, like I had just met someone significant. I scooped up my stuff and headed home, still kind of weirded out by what I had just felt.
According to Andrew, that night we were both at the Pastor’s house, which I do remember. He claims he walked in and saw me and felt a piercing energy from me and saw no one else in a room full of people… which cracks me up because it sounds like a “Lady in Red” moment. (You know….. that song from the 80’s…. “No-body here, it’s just you and me…”)
We chatted. I left to go back to LA to finish up my last few weeks of school and graduate. I returned home. He was still hanging around the church, surrounded by single women.
I decided to call him and we decided to go out to breakfast. He picked me up and apparently I talked the entire drive. I tend to overtalk when I’m nervous and this was a five-alarm display of that fact. Our next few dates we talked for hours…. About life, about God, about our pasts, about our goals. I remember feeling so instantly deeply and quickly connected to him, like our hearts were effortlessly weaving together in an intricate yet oddly simple fashion. It wasn’t long before we both knew we were meant to be together. (A couple of weeks, much to my mother’s dismay.) Five months later we were married, which was the happiest day of my life.
Sometimes I’m asked how we knew so quickly that we were a great match. I don’t really know except that to both of us it was as clear as day, there really was no question. We definitely had chemistry (Hello? We have 6 babies.), but obviously our love was not based on that alone. Our love’s foundation was a true spiritual connection that glued us together then, and that bond continues to grow stronger with each passing year. Our love and teamwork has helped us ride out some amazingly tumultuous storms; it’s truly been our lighthouse: steady and strong against horrific wind and torrential rain.
As time has passed, we have become like one person. For me, Andrew is like a comfy old sweatshirt that you’ve had forever: familiar, warm and comforting. Yet at the same time, he is like that fashion trend that is new and different and exciting. I continue to learn so much from him all the time. As we grow over the years, he has allowed me to change and become and adopt new concepts, new outlooks on life. I have allowed him to teach and coach me about what and who He is now, and who he is becoming. So it’s like we keep putting another piece on the patchwork quilt of our life; a different square, a different fabric. That new piece has both something to be learned from it and also something to enjoy. And in the end a beautiful quilt is the finished product.
It’s not that we never have arguments or get stressed out and snap at each other; we do. But we value and treasure each other so much that we cannot be at peace until we are on good terms again. We are so much of the same person that it’s like we are ill or have a broken bone or something if there is a rift between the two of us. It’s painful and needs immediate attention. If we lose our footing, the whole infrastructure comes tumbling down, so we are very careful to attend to whatever weak spot or broken beam we find lurking in our marriage. We put our marriage first because it came before kids and God willing, it will be here after the kids are gone. This didn’t happen overnight; it’s an outcome of many years of living and learning through different experiences throughout our marital life.
What I admire most about Andrew is his selflessness. He is selfless in the same way that he breathes air…. It’s involuntary for him, it’s the most natural thing in his world. He is committed to his family and to me in a way that I’ve never seen commitment demonstrated before. He truly loves us unconditionally. Let’s just say I’ve put him through a lot over the years with my brand of crazy. Not only has he not kicked me to the curb, but he claims he loves me more now than ever. I don’t get it, I don’t understand it, but I try not to question it too much.
To this very day, my marriage is my number-one priority. As Andrew put it recently to me in a text, “Our love grows deeper as we toil against the millstone of life together.” Profound words with so much truth to them…. In a text message of all things. And that is one of a thousand reasons why I adore my husband so much. There is no one more accepting, more understanding of me than he. I tear up just thinking about how much I love him. There really are no words that adequately describe how I feel about Andrew. But since I am writing this, I’ll give it a whirl. He is my rock, he is my support system, my best friend, he is my voice of reason, he is my champion, he is where I go when I need help or perspective, he is generous, he is patient, he is loving in ways I have never known before. He teaches me, by example, how to love unconditionally. He is my treasure. He is my once in a lifetime love, that soul mate that some claim don’t exist. I believe, at least in my experience, those who don’t believe in soul mates may have yet to find theirs. There is an unmistakable magic that occurs and grows deeper between us as our hearts and our lives and our growth continue to intertwine. An understanding, a wordless connection, he is as much a part of me as my own skin.
On a lighter note, we often compare our relationship to a mullet….. you know, the 70’s shag haircut that is short in the front and long in the back? The mullet is often affectionately defined by the saying: “Business in the front, party in the back”. That’s like Andrew and me, and if you know us well you know which one of us is “Business in the Front” and which one of us is “Party in the Back.” Like the duality of the yin and yang, we need each other’s differences in order to be balanced in our decisions, in our perspectives, in our parenting. We are different in personality, and yet we are the same in spirit and heart.
Morbid as it might sound, if he dies before me, my heart will be shattered and I’ll bet the event will be quickly followed by my demise. (It will most likely be one of those situations where if one of the family dogs die, the other will die soon after because he won’t know how to function without his mate.) I imagine the same would be true for Andrew and me…I would most likely die shortly thereafter from a broken heart. Not that I couldn’t have married someone else and had a great life, but Andrew is my one true love… and how lucky am I to have experienced that love in this lifetime!
