My Problem Was Never God. My Problem Was the Nondiscovery of my Own Spiritual Journey of Faith.
Sitting in the elementary school classroom on rainy days in CA, we played a myriad of indoor games to pass our break time. This was prior to smart phones, people, so I’m not talkin’ about “Pokemon Go”, “Candy Crush” or “Angry Birds”. Anyone out there old enough to remember playing “Heads Up Seven Up”? That was a fan fave. Another heavy hitter at Springer School Elementary was called “Telephone”, which ensured hefty rounds of the giggles. Most of us oldies have played it, but for you younger folks, it goes like this: all players sit in a circle, and one person thinks of a phrase or sentence and then whispers it in the ear of the person on their left. Then that person turns to the person on their left and whispers whatever they heard (or think they heard) into that person’s ear. From memory if you didn’t hear the message well enough, or wanted to confirm what you thought you’d heard, you could say “Operator!” and the message would repeat once in your ear. (“Telephone Operator”: Look it Up, Millennials.)
By the time the message got all the way around the circle, it was usually pretty jacked up. The last person to receive the message would blurt out whatever they heard, normally in a very loud voice. Then the entire circle of folks would almost always erupt in laughter. It was often quite amazing how a phrase like “I have a purple unicorn” could turn into “I eat popcorn with a safety pin.” Of course, you always got that one kid who took any opportunity to change the message on purpose. You know, throw a few swear words in there, substitute a noun with “butt” or “boobs”, or insert a classmate’s name. i.e. “Karen Johnson crapped on a purple unicorn.” Misconstrued messages, misinterpretations and misunderstandings were a common, expected part of the game. And essentially, that’s what made it interesting and fun. It was fascinating to hear how others had perceived the message based on what they heard.
Looking back over my 30-plus year journey of being raised in the church, my experience was very similar to the “Telephone” game. There have been many bodies of believers I have been involved with, not singling any one church out. Not blaming my loving and well-intentioned parents- or for that matter anyone except myself, for my blindly believing everything I thought I was hearing inside church walls. Christianity (in the way that I understood it) over time became for me like wearing a costume that I sort of thought maybe I could wear, at least for a while, but eventually I realized it desperately needed some serious tailoring for me. No matter how hard I pulled and tugged at it, the costume just didn’t fit correctly. Like a wool turtleneck that was supposed to keep me warm in theory, but in reality it was incredibly itchy and slightly suffocating. So for awhile I ended up doing the “fake it till you make it” mentality, which crashed and burned quickly and I became exhausted… I was just completely over feeling disingenuous.
By the time I turned 30, I had a suitcase of “church-baggage” so large that it was bursting at the seams, breaking the zipper open…. So heavy that handle nearly broke off when trying to lift it. Self-imposed religious crisis or not, it literally took me years and many painful moments to unpack that John Candy in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” trunk. Was I “right” about what I thought I had learned from the church, or was I “wrong”? It didn’t matter. It still doesn’t. Item by item, I looked at each article in there put it through the laundry. The items came out of the wash intact, but they were different than how they went in.
Seriously, it never dawned on me that perhaps I was misunderstanding the church’s messages. And if I wasn’t misunderstanding what was said from all those pulpits, I guess I didn’t realize that pastors and church leaders are just humans…fallible people just like the rest of us.
For too many years I made God way too small. I had a tiny little God in a cute little perfect box filled with all kinds of little rules, tied with a nice Christian bow around it. I had not developed the critical thinking skills to even consider that the doctrine and theologies I grew up with could perhaps be merely someone’s personal opinion or understanding of a Biblical account, misapplication of cultural context, or someone’s literal interpretation of what was intended to be metaphorical in nature. It was through some painful life circumstances that I finally realized I could not base my own beliefs on my perceptions of what I was told or taught- I had to have a spiritual experience of my own. It was time to leave the cocoon and find my own wings. Although I have undergone a metamorphosis, some of the old basic colors of that cocoon are visible in my new wings…in that way, the cocoon is still a part of me. But I’ve only been able to keep the colors that suit me best, because I can’t fly as far and as well when I’m weighed down with unnecessary impedimenta.
My son has a drone, and it’s amazing how different the perspective from 300 feet above our rooftop is, as opposed to standing on the ground. That’s how my relationship with God is today. It’s a complete change of perspective. It’s very big picture and basic now in terms of the God component. The core element has been boiled down to this: God is love. Easy, simple, and that’s it. He’s just too big to put in a box. A small box filled with rules is just so limiting. I’ve released the detailed, dualistic and crippled thinking that had me trapped in a religious rigidity.
And what an incredible liberation it’s been! Today in my life there are: No more lists of rules that apply to everyone. No more unadmitted (even to myself) hidden agendas, masked judgements, or unrecognized selfish motives. No more lectures, no more “shoulds”. No more “you have-to’s. No more fear of saying “I don’t know”, or “I’m sorry”, or, “I was wrong.” No more “Santa Claus God” mentality of either being on the naughty or the nice list. No more scrambling to constantly find (or make up) Sunday-School answers, but instead defining “faith” as a gentle acceptance of sitting in the questions. Gone are the pretty, polished, shiny surface-y (and fake) conversations laced with Bible verses and lacking vulnerability for fear of tarnishing my former (yet socially acceptable) church-y image. No more denial that my attitude and behavior over the years-based on what I thought I understood at the time-was not much more than a hypocritical heaping scoop of prideful religious arrogance accompanied by a super-sized side dish of major ego. No more self-glorifying assumption that whatever I believe at any given time is correct for ANYONE (except me). No more refusal to let my mind be changed; as I learn and grow, I’m free to adjust or rethink my beliefs at any time.
The only thing that remains is the essential memory of the valuable lessons these behaviors taught me. Through the cessation of searching for elaborate ways to fit religious square pegs into round holes, I have found a simple tool that has worked so brilliantly for me: The hole is round and God-shaped. It’s open and all-inclusive. It’s called love. It’s able to turn trash into treasure. It’s a trusting the process and freefalling into the mystery of God. And it’s been completely worth the price of pain.
I’ve learned that for me, no pain is ever wasted if I grow from it, and I grow by first being uncomfortable. I really am so truly thankful that all this has unfolded in the way that it has, and I hold no animosity towards the church- I’m an adult now and I accept responsibility for my beliefs. I would not fully appreciate where I am today, had I not experienced my former religious captivity, self-induced or not. Everything I thought I heard from the church-whether perceived or real, has been an essential piece of this puzzle. In totality, my church baggage has been the catalyst to get me to where I am today. I’m obviously not perfect, (Hello? Is there even such a thing as perfection?!) but I’m definitely at peace. Had it not been for a religious “death” of sorts, I would not be experiencing this new life: a new spirituality with God that is freeing, expansive, embracing, active, changing, and big-pictured…. Instead of confined, condemning, know-it-all-ish, stagnant, guilt-ridden, and consumed with rules. It’s almost like for years I’ve been watching an old black and white TV that has now switched to HD color.
When I have a closed mind, I realize now that I miss so much stuff. I had a retainer in the 4th grade which went routinely missing at lunchtime because I would take it out, place it on a napkin and then scoop up all my trash. Accidentally, the retainer would wind up in the garbage can along with half-eaten crusts of a bologna sandwich on Wonder Bread and an empty container of Orange Tang. I would have to dig through the trash to find it, sifting through banana peels, empty Yoplait yogurt containers, and Crystal Pepsi cans (this was the 80’s, kids!) until I finally found that sneaky little pink orthodontic device…. Which invariably had managed to make his way down to the very bottom of the trash pile. When I found it, it was usually in decent enough shape, but needed to be washed off. Usually someone’s dust from their Capn’ Crunch Berries or their leftover Pop Rocks had affixed themselves to the plastic…. Along with several different strains of unwelcome bacteria.
Sometimes that’s all it takes. A cleansing or a washing off of what’s already there. Possibly just looking at life from another perspective. In other cases, radical changes need to be made. The main idea for me has been to seek a continual willingness to open my mind and “un-learn” some perceived absolutes. It’s a process of creating more space…. Like going through my phone and removing some old, data-hogging content in order to make room for other things. I’m not necessarily deleting those old contents (though sometimes I am)….perhaps I just need to move them to an external hard drive since they aren’t necessary right now, and thank them for the purpose they served.
At the end of the day, we get to tend to the garden of our personal experiences with our own spirituality. Someday when all the roles are stripped away, the music has died down, the food has all been consumed, the guests are gone, the party is over and the house is silent…..It will just be me with myself. Not Mother of 7, not PTA member, not corporate executive wife, not neighbor, sister or friend- Simply just a heart and a soul passing through this planet for a short time. All that will matter to me when that silence arrives is this prized, intangible abundance: A personal, fulfilling peace with a God who is love.
“Love all God’s Creation, the whole, and every grain of sand in it. Love every leaf, every ray of God’s light….love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to understand it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an embracing love.”
(-Fyodor Dostoyevsky, excerpt from “The Brothers Karamazov”)