How Having a High School Senior is Like Having a Newborn All Over Again…. For Parents, Anyway.

“Watch It Unfold.”

(To Protect the Privacy of the Innocent and the Guilty, Names Have Been Changed to Characters from “The Simpsons”)

Settling into my metal folding chair, I let the diaper bag fall loose from my shoulder while I used my foot to rock the ergonomically friendly carseat back and forth in an attempt to soothe 6-week-old Ashley, who had started to fuss a little bit. Sweating and exhausted, I heaved an audible sigh as I tried to collect myself after the seemingly impossible task of getting out of the house, both of us dressed and ready, for our “Mommy & Baby” Class. 

Our group was led by a woman named Mona.  We met in the conference room of an office park which the hospital rented out.  “Secret Lovers” by Atlantic Starr was softly playing on the Mazak tape in the background, which was either very strange, or super funny, your choice. Mona had Sally Jesse Raphael glasses and a bad perm.  On the first day, she wore a T shirt with the arms cut off (makeshift muscle shirt) that said “Frankie Says ‘Relax’” paired with a broomstick skirt and Birkenstocks with wool socks.  She had a wrist full of bangles that jingle-jangled as she moved. She took attendance as if this were a junior high Social Studies Class. Next, Mona pulled her frizzy perm into a ponytail and secured it with the pencil she used to take attendance and sauntered around the room. “Let’s see a show of hands: Who here is Breastfeeding?  Bottle feeding?” Her voice was nasally and annoying, or maybe I just hadn’t had enough sleep. Sheepishly, several of us peered to the left and the right and shifted uncomfortably in our metal folding chairs, which were torture for those of us who still had stitches from delivery. A bunch of hands shot up for breastfeeding. A couple of hands made a slow rise for bottle feeding. We went around the room sharing about our experiences, and I secretly wished Mona had brought a timer so as to limit the allotted timeframe for speaking.

 Week 2: Mona had neon pink lipstick on and hoop earrings so big I would have bet money you could have fit a can of Crystal Pepsi through them.  She coughed and introduced the discussion topic for the day. “Today moms, we have 2 categories to talk about.  First, we’ll discuss sleep training.  Who here is doing Dr. Sears? Other methods?”  I gazed around the room, amused by how this scene would look to an outsider peering into the windows. Some ladies were attempting to latch their baby, clumsily as you do when brand new to breastfeeding, some were sanitizing pacifiers, some were adjusting nipple shields.  All looked just as disheveled as I felt.  “How about diapers?” Prompted Mona.  “Raise your hand if you’re using disposable. Now raise your hand if you’re doing the environmentally friendly CLOTH diapers!”  Thankfully most everyone was in alignment on this one. Only 2 takers on the cloth.  I mean, this was 2001, people.

You guys, I have no idea how this happened, literally. It’s like someone put me in a time machine, and here I am… fast forward 18 years.  Like someone slipped a movie into a DVD player of Child Raising, and we skipped ahead to the last scene. I had a baby, I blinked, and now she’s a senior in High School. She’s my first, and so of course everything is a REALLY. BIG. FREAKIN. DEAL. But I swear I don’t know how we got here.

Along with this strange sensation of feeling like I’ve had an episode of lost time, there is a new phenomenon that has commenced: it seems every conversation revolves around what my Senior’s post-high school plans are. Everyone wants to know where she’s applying to college, what will her major be, and just basically what her future plans for the entire rest of her life.

You guys, I get it. It’s not like I’m on ‘roids. I speak English, and I understand why they are asking. I know they are trying to be nice and make conversation, knowing that Ash is a senior. It’s not like it’s out of line with what is currently going on in our lives.  But what a lot of pressure it is!  I mean, it wasn’t for Andrew’s mom.  Andrew knew from a very young age that he wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and study commerce and get into the world of finance.  Sure enough, he went to the University of Melbourne, just like his father, and started off in his career as an accountant, just like his father.  So when my mother in law was asked, it was an easy question to answer.  But these days, that seems like a rare scenario for many people.  So many options, so many opportunities.

Personally, I had NO idea what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  I figured I’d go to college and figure it out. I changed my major a few times, dabbled in several different fields of study, and didn’t solidify myself as a Communication major until my junior year.  It all worked out, and I’m not your major career woman or anything, I landed on my feet and ended up teaching for a hot minute before becoming pregnant a bunch of times. I have no doubt Ashley will too. (Land on her feet, that is.) But just as I felt no particular calling to any particular career path, she is following in MY footsteps: heading to college to kind of “figure it out.” 

One thing is for sure: We’re not alone. My fellow friends who have firstborn seniors and I were at a luncheon the other day. I bet it was 5 minutes after being seated that the topic of conversation migrated to the “C” word: College.  Suddenly everyone wanted to know where everyone else’s kids had toured, where they were applying, and basically get the scoop on each other’s kids. I’m telling you, this conversation was all over the map. No one was angry or judgmental, but it had an intense-ish vibe to it.  Those who had kids who had a fairly definite plan so far were happy to share it.  Those of us whose kids have at least some idea of their starting place tried to share enough detail that seemed acceptable for participating in such a conversation, without giving away the privacy of our kids who might be trying to figure it out. And those whose kids had zero plans so far or weren’t going to college? That was crunchy. Totally fine not to go to college, but in the demographic where we live, that would unintentionally be the mother of all conversation killers.

Here are some samples of the conversations I heard at this luncheon-of-doom:

Homer had spent all spring break touring liberal arts colleges and universities all over the country with his daughter, Maggie, and Maggie is applying to 15 colleges and there are 2 coaches looking at her Competitive Jump roping Skills. Maggie wants to know if she should open a FAFSA account, although Homer emphasizes he DOES NOT QUALIFY for financial aid because he makes too much, but should he open an account, you know, for Maggie’s impending scholarships?  

Moe had an impressive spreadsheet (including whether or not the food services were organic and GMO free) and was happy to email us a copy, if we were interested? He also had created a software program where you input your student’s test scores, DECA Involvement, Sports Achievements, and National Honor Society Hours, and then you input the schools the student is exploring. The program will calculate the percentage of chance your student has of being accepted to each school, and suggest areas of improvement to boost the student’s chances.

Ned Flanders has spent $15,000 so far on a College Counselor… and that’s the initial deposit. They are sending footage of Skinner’s basketball skills to all the state schools and have an active profile on berecruited.com. Skinner has a private tutor for his current grades and a separate tutor for his SAT and ACT prep work….as you do.

Suddenly the room started spinning and I felt like I couldn’t concentrate on even one of the conversations. We had just come back from the college seminar and lots of things were already swirling in my head. I knew my own daughter was a bit overwhelmed, so I didn’t want to exacerbate the situation.  We decided to push all the noise aside and focus on a couple action steps that we could do that very day to help alleviate the feeling of powerlessness. We knew of 2 schools she wanted to apply to, so we started there. That felt fine; until suddenly I was seated at this table chin wagging about these elaborate things everyone else was doing.

So I finally realized I had been in this place before. It was that old familiar (and admittedly somewhat juvenile) feeling I had experienced In Labor & Delivery Class. (Who in the class was going to have the dream birth and who was going to have the nightmare 48 hour labor that ended up in a C-section?) It was also the same feeling I had in Mona’s Newborn “Are-You-Effing-Up-Your-Baby”-Class. And the same emotion I had later in toddler playgroups when the stakes were even higher and the questions graduated to, “Is so-and-so potty trained? Because MY 2-year-old child reads “War & Peace” aloud while using the toilet!” Of course she does.

I mean, jeez ya’ll. Do we have to?  I know many of us are very used to having our lives largely defined by our children. But we have got to snap out of this.  If they go to college, we are going to have to practice getting our own lives anyway (sorry helicopter parents, this is hard but true). But really, it’s hard for all of us, including those of us who are trying to walk that middle line between trying to hang onto a tiny shred of control (which we know is a fool’s errand) while simultaneously doing everything in our power not to be the enabling #momstalker we know we could be if given the opportunity.

Or- what if they’re NOT going to college?  What if their future plans are to park their ass on your free basement couch and play some creepy online version of “Dungeons & Dragons” while sucking down their 4th YooHoo and munching on the leftover crust from day old pizza?  Perhaps what I’m saying is, maybe not everyone feels like sharing what their kid is going to be up to. So let’s figure out a strategy on how to face these conversations like the one at the luncheon. A few little ideas if your student has a pretty firm handle on their plans OR if your students’ plans are…. Ahem, perhaps less than others expect them to be, I’m going to give you a few ideas of one-liners to say when people pepper you with questions you don’t want to answer about your student’s personal (and very individual) future plans.  (Sidebar: Again, I know people are just trying to be nice!  They care about you and your student and they are making conversation!) But it can set you (and or your student) up to feel crappy or question the choices were just perfect for you 5 minutes ago.

Allow me to share my ideas for some party lines…

Suggested Party Lines for Parents Put on the Spot with their Post-High School Inquiries about their Seniors or Graduates WHO HAVE NO PLANS YET:

Reality: Taking a Backpack Trip to Europe, Staying in Hostels on $5 a day and Being Kept Up All Night By an enthusiastic collection of 40 year old would-be singers at open mike night performing an amateur version of  “Shake Your Booty” by Kool & the Gang in German, on an out of tune piano and a guitar missing 2 strings. Broke after 2 weeks, after burning through a graduation plunder that was supposed to last 90 days in Europe.

Party Line: “(Insert Name of Senior Here) is Studying Abroad.”

Reality:  Playing World of Warcraft all night, every night, with their “online friends” and living on Tab Soda, Teriyaki-flavored Beef Jerky, and Otter Pops…. With or without a short stint in online gambling.

Party Line: “(Insert Name of Graduate Here) is Exploring the Tech Industry.”

Reality: Out every night at Night Clubs with friends. Sleeping regularly till approximately 2:30 PM the following day in the same clothes they stumbled home in.

Party Line: “(Insert Name of Graduate Here) is Consulting.”

Reality: Spending the summer down at the lake using your fuel in your boat, running up your bill at the Country Club with charges from the pro shop and the tennis club on a new 5 iron and some tiny $500 tennis shorts. Holds the record for the most Tater Tots and Marshmallow Crème Milkshakes consumed in a single sitting.

Party Line: “(Insert Name of Graduate Here) is Taking a Gap Year.”

Reality: Taking Summer School for Grade Replacement since they managed to get a D in Ceramics and an F in bowling because they thought attending the class taught by the owner Freddy C. down at “The Cherry Bowl” was optional. (Worthy of Note: Freddy C. is the distant cousin of Joey Buttafucco.)

Party Line: “(Insert Name of Graduate Here) is Furthering their Studies by In-Depth, Intensive Focused Sessions Inspired by Subjects He/She was Originally Introduced to in High School.”

Suggested Party Line for Parents Put on the Spot with their Post-High School Inquiries about their Seniors who HAVE PLANS BUT ARE CHALLENGED BY THE QUESTIONER:

Person: “So what is (Insert the Name of Senior or Graduate Here) going to be doing next year?”

You: “Well, he/she is choosing between 2 liberal arts schools and will probably major in philosophy with a minor in art history.”

Person: (Long Pause.) “OHHHHHH.” (Another Long Pause.) “And what does he/she plan to do with that?”

You: “I’m not sure yet, but it will be exciting to watch it unfold.”

Then: Change the Subject!

Note: You can also use this same party line if your senior has a plan/doesn’t have a plan but  isn’t interested in having their business spread all over the parental gossip tree.  It’s an easy out of a tricky conversation. Just a simple phrase we can remember that’s positive and honoring to your kid.  

Here’s to Watching It Unfold….

XOXO

A-Team-Mom