Step 1
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol,-that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Remember: The Big Book (and all AA literature) is for ANYONE. You can replace the word “alcohol” with any other word: food/porn/gambling/believing false narratives/drugs/erratic thinking/being judgemental/etc.etc. etc. You can even cross the word “alcohol” out as you go along, and write your addiction.
READ: Big Book: “We learned we had to concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics (addicts/imprisoned by our vices.). This is the first step.” P.30
READ: Step 1 in the 12 and 12.
It’s a widely accepted practice in AA to take others through the steps the way that you were taken through the steps. But that being said, you’re also welcome to deviate from that way and incorporate other methods of doing a step 1. This is how I take a sponsee through a step 1, but I vary it depending on their needs so that I can meet them where they’re at.
First, Go Over the “12 Steps for Anyone Who Wants Them” blog If they’re interested in taking a closer look at the stepwork, ask them if they are willing to go to any lengths and then talking about admitting complete defeat.
Admitting Complete Defeat: Taking a Look at Powerlessness, Unmanageability and Surrender.
Powerlessness:
This is vital. “WE admitted (past tense) that WE were powerless…”
People don’t like the word “Powerless” because we assume it shows weakness. But one of my favorite sayings is “weak is the new strong.”
Imagine if we LOVED strawberries but we were allergic to them. We tried many many times to successfully eat strawberries without consequence, and each time we did, we found ourselves sick and breaking out in hives.
People around us have seen us try to eat strawberries before with little success. So they already know we shouldn’t be eating them, and that ultimately it’s dangerous to us. So people are having to watch us make ourselves sick, instead of just admitting that there are a bunch of other fruits we can have.
Instead of rationalizing, justifying, or convincing ourselves that we could eat strawberries if we wanted to without consequences, we finally get sick of getting sick. We admit that we cannot eat strawberries safely, no matter how hard we try. This is powerlessness.
It’s the healing balm that diffuses many situations, including the war with ourselves over our addiction.
Unmanageability:
ONLY YOU get to decide if you’re alcoholic or addicted to whatever it is. ONLY YOU can decide if your life is unmanageable in its’ current state. Unmanageability comes in various forms: Maybe your addiction has landed you in jail, cost you your family, or your health. Maybe you haven’t any of those consequences, but maybe your life is consumed with HOW you’re going to get your vice, WHERE you’ll get it and maybe you PLAN to partake of the addictive substance. If it’s porn, maybe you plan to be out of town on business more than you need to, so you can be alone with your addiction. Maybe it’s the ritual of planning a binge and purge- going to the store and deciding what you’re going to eat…. Thinking about how good it’s going to feel.
Basically, if it’s interfering with your life and your personal freedom at a level that you’re uncomfortable with, then this program is for you. And you don’t have to let major consequences litter up your life if you have’t gone too far down the scale. yet, either! You can decide it’s time to get some freedom around your addictions at any time.
Surrender:
Surrender to win: THE great paradox of recovery. We must be willing to admit complete defeat. We must admit Powerlessness over alcohol/our addictions. The more we honestly mean it in our gut and in our heart, the greater chance we have for recovery. If you don’t know what I mean by “Gut and Heart” Honesty, attend a local AA meeting or pull up an AA speaker on YouTube, and if I were one to make promises, I would guarantee you in a heartbeat that you will never hear a more honest group of people in your life. Anyone willing to share about their character defects, their fears, their selfishness, their attempts to mask their insecurities…. these are my people. The strongest bunch I know. Because we all do it. But the ones who recognize it, admit it and then talk about it are actually the strongest people I know. WHY do they share with that level of honesty? To stay sober, to help others achieve sobriety, and mostly to love, accept, and be at peace with the person in the mirror.
Powerlessness+Unmanageability+Surrender = Step 1.
Recently there was an incident in the media at my husband’s place of employment. Immediately, the corporate executive officers jumped on that incident and made a public video statement admitting all the information they knew. It wasn’t even their fault, and yet they wanted to be transparent and take it seriously from the very start. They admitted they were powerless over this situation and that they had an obligation to keep the public informed as the story unfolded. I’ve seen this happen many times over the years- where they go on record apologizing for things they can’t control, like delays caused by inclement weather, and upset customers about ticket price increases when actually it was just the price of fuel or the airport fees that increased- but they have owned those incidents when they certainly didn’t have to.
So remember: “Weak is the New Strong.”
So I have had the pleasure of seeing how admitting powerlessness actually shows an extreme maturity. You can’t help but respect someone who immediately jumps in and owns their side of the street since it’s ultimately their responsibility.
Also Remember: You’re a member if you say you are. It’s not a blackbelt in karate, there are no levels. You can do the 12 Steps around any area of your life.
Step One Basics:
Looking at the 12 steps is like looking at a ladder- the first step is the widest and the tallest to achieve- it’s the foundation. This is the only step that requires that we do it “perfectly”, if there is such a thing, because the rest of the steps will depend directly on how thoroughly this step is done. It’s said in AA that there is no “correct” way to do the steps, and most people default to taking a sponsee through the steps in the same way that they were led through the steps. (But there are no rules!) So you are welcome to deviate.
Write It Out.
Generally, a sponsor will suggest you write out a step one in our own handwriting, (and this is also how I did it.) There’s a certain ownership that comes with writing it out in our own handwriting….a certain personalized touch that you can’t get from a word document or a computer screen.
Get a notebook and a pen and take some time. (Most people spread this step out over a few weeks so as to make sure they have done a very complete job.) Here’s what you want to do: Write out everything you can remember about your very first encounter with the vice. Then write down everything that you can remember from that point on. You can include details or not, but the most important part is being able to be specific enough to clearly see the progression of the disease and how the vice slowly took over your life and began to rob you of the best functionality of your life.
Include all the instances of unmanageability you can remember. (This is helpful in proving to yourself why it’s worth it when times get tough.) Addiction is a physical and mental disease of perception. As such, it can and will lie to you and tell you you’re not that bad, everything’s OK, other people are worse, you can learn how to moderate it, you can still binge on the weekends, plenty of healthy people are overweight, etc etc etc. So if you’ve written it all down, you can pull out that document when you lose sight of your goal or feel defeated or you’re craving your vice. (These are normal instances during the first year or so.)
Breakup Letter.
A bonus assignment for step 1 can include writing a “Breakup” letter to your vice. The idea of this letter is closure. So you start out by saying “We had such great times…” “until you turned on me….” and you describe all of it in your own wording. Be sure to focus specifically on describing the emotions.
Remember: Honesty. It’s what’s required for a successful Step 1.
Remember: “Weak is the New Strong.”