Sanity Savers Series: School Suspension
I know, I know, you’re asking for a friend. ;) Obviously I cannot confirm or deny anything, but let’s just say for the sake of argument that once upon a time when they were in junior high school, your kid got busted at school for oh, say, sneaking out of woodshop class with a friend and loudly making inappropriate jokes over the fence line so that the girls in PE at the Catholic school next door could hear. Annnndddd, let’s just say for fun that the P.E. teacher called up the Principal of your kid’s school and threatened to call the cops on your kid for harassment. Your skilled and seasoned Principal was somehow magically able to talk said PE Teacher down from involving law enforcement, and your student unmeritoriously avoided receiving the Welcome Basket of an orange jumpsuit and cheap flip flops, paired with a trip to Juvenile Hall. So that fine day, you happen to be minding your own business on a trip with your spouse with your toes in the sand on a lovely beach when without warning- you receive a “heads up” text message from your Principal outlaying the unfortunate details of that entire unfortunate incident.
Here’s What I *WOULD* do, should that ever happen to me:
DON’T PANIC and DON’T BECOME DEFENSIVE. The minute you pull the “MY kid would NEVER…….” card, you have placed yourself in the PITA box. (PITA box is defined as “Pain In The Ass” box.) Because I was a teacher, I can tell you there is nothing worse than a parent who undermines school staff and administration. Look, there are obviously exceptions to this when as a parent you must advocate for your kid. But on the whole, we parents have got to band together and detach from this “My Kid Would Never…” Mantra. Because I’ll tell you what, if you live with your head buried in that sand pile, you’re in for a rude awakening. In most cases, where there’s smoke there’s fire, and all of our kids are fully capable of making a dumb choice—they have free will! Plus: remember what it was like when we were pre-teens, billions of years ago before there was electricity and running water?!?!? (My friends and I once slipped through a school window over a weekend and found an untouched ice cream cake in the freezer in the Teacher’s Lounge…. and we commenced to eat THE ENTIRE THING.) Did we give one single thought to the fact that we committed burglary? Or that we could be charged with breaking and entering? Or that it was Mr. Opezzo’s birthday on Monday and now he had no cake? Nope. Zero shits given about any of that. Frankly, none of that even crossed our minds. (More on this concept later).
APOLOGIZE, SUPPORT and TRUST the administration. Immediately respond to the text message and the response should be an APOLOGY, not for your kids’ behavior (that’s on the kid), but in recognition that your overworked and underpaid Principal had to deal with this mess. Then say this: “I/We FULLY SUPPORT your decisions regarding this incident.” Finally, TRUST their process. Remember that you see the home version of your child. They see the school version- and at this age those 2 don’t always marry up. There’s often a bigger picture than at play than what we parents can see from our vantage point. Think about it. The Principal is basically trying to deal with staff, teachers, students, parents curriculum stuff, policy stuff, issues from the board and the superintendent, the state, not to mention be the visionary of the school, all the aerial views and the minute details. And keep in mind: the discipline and social/emotional component alone could be a full-time job. At least at our school, it’s a group decision on all this by the Principal, Vice Principal, Guidance Counselor, etc. We feel so blessed to have our particular Principal, and I’m not sure he ever sleeps. Our school is unique in that it’s more of a community and a family than an educational facility. Our principal actively cares deeply about our school and who’s in it and how we are all functioning. It’s like being a dad to 322 kids and 100 staff and teachers, and about 600 parents. It takes a lot out of you personally and professionally. Of course, all of this is not unlike many executive level jobs, and careers in the helping profession. But to have someone acknowledge that goes a long way in just telling your Teachers and Administration “I see you, and I support your decision.” And then do it- don’t argue, threaten, or otherwise undermine them. To further my time on the soapbox, it’s my opinion that it’s vitally important to teach our kids about respecting authority, and regardless of whether we agree with the consequence or not, acceptance of it leads to personal growth and becomes a marker in their journey. Don’t take that away by getting all wrapped up in the “justice” of the situation. Does ANYONE like receiving a speeding ticket? Their insurance possibly going up? Obviously, the answer is no. But it doesn’t mean I wasn’t speeding. I’m not going to use a “get out of jail free” card for a speeding ticket. I’m going to admit and accept that I was speeding, and take the consequence. I don’t have to like it, and I can even argue that my speedometer wasn’t calibrated correctly— whatever! In the big picture, there are worse things, right? So accepting consequences for actions is character building, and it’s an important and valuable lesson, so the next time the choice to speed rolls around, there’s more information for me to draw from so I can make a decision on whether or not to take that risk to speed. Same thing for our kids. We do no favors by teaching our kids that life should (and can) revolve around them and their comfort/social status/reputation/whatever.
When you’re calm: Talk to the child privately and let them tell you their version of what happened. Not surprisingly, this version will most likely end up vastly different from the one your Principal told you, which is to be expected. Resist the urge to call your principal and say, “So-and-so said that’s not at all what happened!” Instead, do not take every word verbatim from the child….I’ve had some friends who *routinely* believe exactly what their child says and then they are shocked and confused to discover some concrete evidence that goes exactly against what the child has told them. (Insert head slap and eyeroll here.) Ole’ A-Team-Mom is more of a “trust but verify” type of parent. I like to just like to just let them talk, and I respond with “tell me more” and nod reassuringly…..then just let the truth organically reveal itself over time as more information is revealed. Keep in mind the child’s version is sort of like those “lite” versions of a Starbucks Frappuccino: lots of air and froth and very little actual coffee. However, your Principal’s version is more like the full heavy cream, extra shots of espresso version- more of the real deal……and especially if there are video cameras at school, you’ll get the privilege of seeing it raw and unedited, probably with the bonus features and the director’s cut. Nevertheless, nod your head compassionately while the child is speaking and reassuringly and say phrases like “I hear you.” and “thank you for sharing your truth with me.” Just give them a chance to feel like you’re on their team, even though they will have to pay a price for the behavior. Then tell them with empathy, “Whatever happens, we will walk through this together.” So you’re not saying you’re going to rescue your child from the natural consequences, but you will be there to walk through this with them. Reassure them you are able to separate a lapse in judgement from the character of who they are, and that you LOVE them no matter what. Lastly, I’ve always found that sharing an experience from my past where I’ve had lapses in judgement (I know, I know- who, me?!?) builds a bridge between the child and me. It shows them that I’ve had to walk through consequences in my life too, and I know what it’s like. I’ve been there. Again, show them some empathy.
Take your time in coming up with a plan. Don’t react off the cuff and spout off ridiculous, emotionally-charged statements. Avoid hysterical thinking and overreactions. (If you screw up and get all pissed, just give yourself a time out- go cool off, then come back to them and apologize. Kids are super resilient and they love being apologized to- and it’s a respect builder.) Here are some statements to avoid: “You’re grounded until graduation!” OR “You have lost your phone/electronics until the Seattle light rail building project has been completed!”— which, by the way, will be at some undefined point during the year (approximately) 5693, give or take a few hundred years. Avoid being sarcastic and overly dramatic. (I personally know nothing about that, because I know NOTHING about sarcasm or drama…..)
Onto Making a Plan: If you were to ask me, I am very clear (or I *would be very clear*! ;) that a school suspension or a period of grounding, or whatever, is not a “Roll out of bed at noon, shower optional, have door dash deliver some cheeseburgers and settle in for an afternoon of intermittent napping and Netflix binging.” Not here. Personally, I’d recommend drawing up a Consequence Contract. You can absolutely copy mine, which can be found in a printable version here. I made up off the top of my own head, on the fly, so it’s not the world’s greatest one out there. In fact, I haven’t searched for one on the internet, but I’m sure you can find someone has an amazing template out there you can just copy and paste. But the point is, you get to customize this any way you want to. And in my experience, it’s best to focus on a couple things when writing it: A) Be as specific as possible. Tell them exactly how long they are grounded for, and from what. Tell them EXACTLY what your expectations are PLUS what will happen if they violate the contract. Lay it all out in black and white so there are no misunderstandings or assumptions. Then make them read it outloud to you so they can ask questions for clarification if they need to, and then have all parties (child and parents) sign it. B) Make the contract work for YOUR benefit. If you include things like “you will volunteer at the convalescent home 38 miles away each day after school emptying bedpans and clipping toenails”, that’s fine, but be aware that if your kid doesn’t drive yet, then that added inconvenience is on you. So maybe it’s worth it to you, and maybe it isn’t, but these are things to consider. C) I always include a list of chores in there that have been lingering on the Household To-Do list. Before anyone cries out “Child Labor!/Human Trafficking!” Let me reassure you that is not what I’m talking about. These are household tasks like winterizing the backyard, organizing the storage shed, or other shit that you personally don’t want to do, and let me explain the rationale. You have spent your time sitting in the Principal’s office regarding this matter, drafting emails, coming up with plans for your child’s offense- and now the child owes YOU time. So it’s an exchange of efforts: you gave your effort and time to deal with the child’s consequence, and now the child will give his/hers. Make sense? In our house, the child will usually have to team up with our house manager and come up with a plan for each specific task assigned by us and execute it, so not only is it an opportunity to work with others, but it’s a service to the family- and in my opinion, nothing builds up self-esteem better than getting out of oneself and serving others in some capacity. You get to choose what that looks like for you. D) Communicate to the other family members the ramifications of the child’s grounding. I’m not talking about betraying the child’s privacy, and the siblings obviously should not be privy to all the details, but I’ve found that the siblings will rat the child to us out if there are any boundaries crossed from the contract. When the child knows others are aware of their situation, they are less likely to try to breach the contract- it simply serves as an accountability measure. It’s worked well for our family anyway, as Andrew and I just can’t be all places at all times. E) Reserve the right to make addendums at any time, just like a menu in a restaurant will have a fine print that reminds patrons that “prices are subject to change at any time.” You don’t expect to have to change anything, but circumstances may arise that require you to make some adjustments to the Consequence Contract, and that’s where the addendums come into play. F) Be non-judgmental in the contract- it’s not-nor should it ever be-a “Shaming Contract”, it’s simply a Consequence Contract that lays out the terms and conditions.
Consider adding specific things, like “A bad attitude will result in an extra day added on to the consequences.” This bad attitude clause includes eye rolling, stomping around or just basically being a jerk while performing any of these tasks. In the case of suspension, (hypothetically speaking of course!!) My kids *would be* expected to arise at normal school time and get dressed for the day, ready to tackle the list of chores laid out in the Consequence Contract, sans a crappy attitude. Same thing if you had a job- you can’t show up for a job late, in your pajamas (well. most jobs anyway.) pouting and kicking the dirt with your arms crossed, like the world owes you something. So. Same story here. The child’s job for this time period is to set right the deficit they owe by their lapse in judgement, and to begin to re-earn trust. So this means, they are expected to show up, on time, ready to roll. I don’t expect them to be all Pee Wee Herman style energy or anything, but they are expected to show up here at the house in the spirit of being willing to give their full and best effort in with a willing and helpful attitude.
Toolkit Notebook. Consider getting the child a three-subject notebook. I’m talking old-school, spiral bound with those manila or plastic colored subject dividers. The child will have some work to do during this time that they are in the midst of the Consequence Contract, so they will need materials to keep their writing in one place. You don’t want this typed- there is a certain magic that comes with the handwritten word and also with the mind body connection- but that’s for another blog. The object of this notebook is to BUILD A TOOLKIT and PRACTICE USING THOSE TOOLS. The first subject of this Toolkit Notebook will be the Gratitude Tool. I have seen NOTHING turn a sulky attitude around faster than gratitude. At first, they think this is dumb, and they don’t understand what gratitude has to do with their infraction but remind them to trust the process. But this is where you DON’T want to be specific. Let them choose each day 5 things they are grateful for and write them down. This can be anything from “I’m grateful for toothpaste.” to “I’m thankful to live in a free country”. When they look back later over the course of the days during their Consequence Contract, it’s interesting and amazing to watch the different things that are written down on each day.
The Second Subject of the Toolkit Notebook is the Self-Acceptance Journal (or Self-Love Journal)- whichever wording you prefer. Your child will probably go through a wave of emotions during this time. They may struggle with their self-worth. As much as you are cognizant of this and do your best as their mom to try to love and praise them and be encouraging, there is a key tool that will save them years and years of therapy if they begin to practice it while there are young: Develop a self-love and acceptance. This helps them to fear their emotions less. Here’s what has worked well for me: Each day they write down the 5 things they like about themselves. Or 5 things they are good at- or a combination of both. But it’s 5 positive things about themselves. This focus on positivity builds upon itself and without realizing it, and without them intending to necessarily do so, they end up beginning to learn and become aware of their positive traits. Self- esteem is based on our thoughts- and since we can practice controlling our thoughts, we can teach ourselves how to love ourselves. I tell my kids to practice self-love in the following ways: A) Spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself. B) Visualize turning up the volume on the things that you like about yourself, and turn down the volume on the things where you tend to be critical of yourself. (Or alternatively you can use “highlighting positive and deleting the negative”.) C) Give genuine compliments to help others jumpstart their own self-love. D) Accept compliments from others by looking them in the eye and saying “thank you” without arguing or negating. E) Write down the things you like about yourself in a journal and keep a list to refer back to on hard days. (Which is essentially what you’re having the child do here in the journal is to create a habit of self-love and positivity.)
The Third Subject of the Toolkit: Reflection Journal. This is saved for last. When your Consequence Contract has come to a close and the ending date for the Grounding/Suspension has finally arrived, you and your child will sit down and go over the toolkit notebook together, but the primary focus will be this piece. It’s intended that this reflection be the very last thing they write before they meet with you to get their phone back, car keys back, laptop back, freedom back, whatever. This isn’t your typical reflection journal stating “What I did for Summer Vacation”/“What I Learned From Getting Busted at School.” I personally make mine (*would make mine!!* wink! wink!) very specific. I lay out the reflection questions straight into the contract, and the child goes over them with me and reads their answers to Andrew and me out loud. There really aren’t any “right” answers, but I ask specific questions on purpose because I want to hear their thoughts on specific things. So, some sample questions might be “When a parent reads my social media page and sees that I’ve been inappropriate, this is what happened and this is how it made me feel.” Or, “Practical ways I can get out of a situation that’s making me feel uncomfortable.” After a period of time practicing Gratitude and Self-Love, this final writing should not be too difficult for them because now they usually feel worthy of making better choices, therefore avoid negative consequences in the future.
LASTLY, DO NOT TAKE YOUR CHILD’S INCIDENT PERSONALLY! THIS IS NOT A REFLECTION ON YOUR PARENTING, and it’s not about you!!! They do not have fully functioning brains yet- seriously- their frontal lobes are not fully functioning yet. So they make choices in the moment but they don’t yet always have the ability to “play the movie all the way through to the very end.” So they are impulsive and sometimes act without considering the consequences. This is just part of their journey- it’s developmental. (I hate to mention this, but in the spirit of the good old “Parenting with Love & Logic” books, it’s better to have it happen under your roof when the price tag is small.) I find, at least in this house, these events (er— hypothetical events!!!) are the catalyst to some of our greatest discussions and most bonding moments. I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve shared stories of my dumbass past escapades with my kids- they love that because they can then find you relatable. This is a very different approach from how my parents’ generation was raised-they came from the homes of “Do as I Say, Not as I Do”- which can also be known as the school of “You seem to only make crappy choices and I’m perfect”- which, let’s be honest- does nothing but put up nice thick walls of resentment between parent and child. And PS, Child, your graduation gift upon leaving aforementioned school is a nice big old suitcase full of emotional baggage that you get to haul around for years upon years until you get some help from a therapist. If we as parents try a little humility, however, and lower our pride and let our kids peek inside our past, they begin to see us as more of a person and less of a one-one-dimensional dictator or a #naziparent. So if we look at it as an opportunity for growth and an opportunity for connection, at least in my experience, the reward is a greater sense of closeness with your child. :)
So. Just a friendly reminder, IF “your friend” finds themselves in a similar parenting situation, it’s easily handled with compassion and grace. Just try to keep in mind “your friend” probably doesn’t want their mug shot displayed on that super secret dark web internet site that only teachers have access to called “PITA’s Most Wanted.” Be kind. Be reasonable. Detach from being defensive. Throw the following words out of your vocabulary: “My kid would never…” And for the love of God, don’t take these things personally!!!! You’re doing your best, and I’m quite sure if you’re even tuned in and present enough to deal rationally and lovingly with the situation, you’re basically a rockstar parent. *Nailing it.*