Ninja Moms: It’s Like the Suburban Version of the Hunger Games Out There.

These days, if I sense drama, or even get a whiff of potential drama, I run from it as if Freddy Krueger is chasing me. This policy applies to all facets of my life: other parents at my kids’ school, church people, and some other organizations that I’m involved with…. Basically anything that involves people, I’ve got my “drama radar” up, not to be paranoid, but just in case.  And also because I’m not in junior high school anymore. (Hello!)

I haven’t always been like this. There was a time I was more like a willow tree with a weak, brittle trunk, swaying in the wind, falling victim to every dramatic whim in search of acceptance. I was massively concerned with what others thought of me. I had low-self esteem and couldn’t understand my worth in just being given breath in my lungs, occupying space on this planet. I foolishly burned up energy trying to over-analyze people, places and things instead of accepting and loving them them just as they are. I would get sucked in by toxic people because I didn’t know the value of protecting myself.

To this day, these toxic people…the toughest for me to deal with, the ones I fear the most because of their high likelihood of impending drama, are a group of people who I refer to as “Ninja Moms”. Ninja Moms win the prize for the “Drama Initiators.” These are the competitive, bitchy, cut-throat, gossipy, judgy, rain-on your-parade, rude, pot-stirring, belittling type. I call them “Ninja Moms” because they’re sneaky….at first glance; they may perhaps appear well-groomed and veneer-smiley. But beware! They can attack anyone in their field of vision.

One trait that the Ninja Moms seem to have in common is what I call the “Know-It-All” Personality.   You know the one. The person who has an opinion about everything under the sun. The person who gets into political or religious debates on social media. The person who will guarantee your next 4 hours will be dedicated to a one-sided lecture on breastfeeding, (or similar topic) should you be so unwise as to bring it up.   Ninja Moms love to listen to themselves give unsolicited advice…. To bring you under their direct tutelage so that you can be the lucky recipient of their shining beam of unending knowledge. You see them coming down the hall towards you and you hastily scramble to do a 180 and bolt in the other direction whilst calling back over your shoulder at them, “Oh, I’m terribly sorry, I seem to have forgotten to grab my butane curling iron that’s been sitting in my desk drawer since 1992…. But I just remembered I need it…. Right now. Gotta go! Mmmm Kay!”

When I encounter a Ninja Mom today, I generally find myself slowly backing away, as if I’m a hiker who just came across a rattlesnake. When I was a kid, outside our elementary school doors you would find a bright yellow half circle painted on the concrete, encasing the area in which the door could swing open. This was called “The Arc of Safety.” The idea was to stay behind the yellow line when lining up to enter the classroom so that when the teacher swung the door open, no one would get hit.

In the same way, I try to stay behind an arc of safety now. This hasn’t always been the case. There was a period of years (Read: staying at home with 4 small children, no nanny) where I semi-lost my sh*t and I put myself in harm’s way all the time, in different forms. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I was super over-sensitive and let anyone, especially Ninja Moms, run all over me emotionally. My skin was tissue-paper thin, I let my feelings get hurt constantly, and I had no sense of self- worth.

A wise man I know helped me out tremendously by putting me in the shoes of the Ninja Mom. He showed me that their bark is really worse than their bite. Like my two Maltese dogs, they have no problem going up to another dog, regardless of their size and stature, and barking their heads off, acting like some kind of big shot. And then I must ask myself: Where in MY life am I acting like I know everything? What areas of my thinking are closed off to new ideas and opinions? In what areas of my life am I acting like a Ninja Mom? Am I emitting poison to others I encounter? How can I change and grow?

My wise friend also showed me that Ninja Mom-ish behavior (just like any of MY negative behaviors) is fear-driven. These days when I start to feel Ninja Moms or anyone else closing in on my personal peace of mind, I try to picture that Ninja Mom leaning in close and whispering in my ear, “I’m just scared and I act this way because I want to be loved and accepted.”  To me, this is the key to understanding the Ninja Moms, and truly, any difficult person. To remember that “hurting people hurt people” as the saying goes. (I have firsthand experience with this. I have been that hurting person wreaking havoc on others, though sometimes indirectly, it’s the same concept.) More than anything, that saying helps give me compassion and reminds me that we all need unconditional love and grace.  It doesn’t mean I need to let them into my arc of safety, where I am protected from their negative energy.  I’ve come to realize it’s my responsibility to myself and to my people (my husband and kids) to stay safe.  I’m finally learning how to love with detachment and it’s a very freeing way to let “me do me” and “you do you”, respectfully.

In this way, I’m connected to Ninja Moms. We come from different ends of the spectrum, but we are untied in our fear driven roots. Ninja Moms are really in battle with themselves. Just like me, their issues have nothing to do with anyone else at all. And so my job today, as always, is just to be kind. I can be genuinely compassionate from a safe distance, but I don’t have to volunteer as tribute and engage in the Ninja Mom action.

As It’s Been Said:

“Not My Circus, Not my Monkeys”

BUT…. It’s still my responsibility to love and show kindness to the monkeys. ;)

XOXO,

A-Team Mom

Etc.Amy HarrisonAugust 21, 2015Comment