I've Found What I Was Looking For...U2?!?
I was in the 5th grade when my cousin became obsessed with an Irish rock band named “U2.” U2 had released several albums before, but I myself was more into the pop music scene at that time….. preferring the jams of Madonna, Bon Jovi, Prince (may he RIP) , Heart, Lionel Richie (hello?), George Michael-recently split from Wham!-(and may he also RIP), REO Speedwagon, Debbie Gibson, and of course our local San Francisco based groups: Starship, and Huey Lewis & the News.
In those days, we had these things called audio tapes. If you were so lucky as to own a stereo that had this cutting-edge invention called a “dual cassette deck”, well let’s just say…. You fancy. You were then like this total baller who could borrow someone’s Whitesnake tape and make your own recording so that you didn’t have to bum a ride off your best friend’s older brother to take you down to Tower Records and spend your hard-earned babysitting dollars on a tape where you might only like a mere one or two songs on the album. Then you realized you had paid for the pleasure of having to make the effort to rewind and fast forward your favorite song multiple times per day. (Infinite loop? No such thing, people. We had it rough.) Tell you what though, ignorance was bliss, that’s just how it was.
In the Carlton house, we were well into the mid 90’s before we were the proud owners of a dual cassette deck stereo. Therefore I realized early on that I had to MacGyver my way into getting copies of songs. This of course meant that I borrowed my dad’s Dictaphone (look it up, millennials) and listen to the radio ALL freaking Saturday just waiting for “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley to come on the radio, all the while cursing the local radio DJ who obviously had no regard for my personal well-being in my quest to get a copy of that song straight from my own home. When I finally heard the DJ begin to Rick-Roll the Bay Area at large, I lept off my canopy bed and sprang into action, commencing to fight the harrowing obstacle course of junk on my purple shag carpeted floor. I hurdled over my stack of Tiger Beat magazines, dodged my open Converse All-Star shoe boxes spilling over with charm bracelets, and burst through the mountains of MC Hammer pants, neon miniskirts, and scrunch socks, legwarmers, striped stirrup pants, oversized T-shirts with shoulder pads, and Bill Cosby-inspired sweaters featuring obnoxious geometric shapes. Finally, after what was probably a few seconds (but seemed like forever), I reached my dresser drawers, where my Sony “Ghetto Blaster” lived with an antenna attached that was so tall it could have probably communicated with aliens on Mars. In a fast and furious one forearmed motion, I swept my 12 cans of Aqua Net Hairspray and empty cans of Crystal Pepsi (Yes, I actually drank that stuff- it’s a miracle I’m alive today.) off the top of the bureau and let them clink and crash onto the already horrifically and unacceptably chaotic floor below. Heart pounding, I grabbed the Dictaphone and hit “play” and “record” simultaneously and quickly but carefully placed the oh-so-technical recording device against the speakers of the ghetto blaster. Oh, the hardships we endured in those days!!! No wonder those of us from Generation X are hogging up all the psychiatrists’ office waiting rooms.
Anyway. Back to U2. When their Joshua Tree album came out, my cousin basically shoved her tape down my throat and said, “this will change your life.” Truth? She was correct. There is a song on that album called “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” It’s about spiritual seeking. And as I commenced my uncomfortable, awkward years of teenage angst, I could feel and embrace the idea that even though I had no real tragedies in my life, and I had great friends and this lovely church upbringing, there was an undeniable hole in my heart. A searching and a longing for something or someone to make me feel whole and complete- and though I had temporary relief from feeling the hole from time to time, and it wasn’t exactly a debilitating hole, it never seemed to be permanently eradicated. To this day, every time I hear that U2 song, my heart hurts a little bit thinking back to that growing adolescent girl and young adult who wasn’t necessarily sad, but just felt like she couldn’t find her way and didn’t know she could follow and trust her own inner guidance. The lyrics go like this:
I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in the fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was one empty night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
I believe when the Kingdom comes
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes I'm still running.
You broke the bonds
You loosened the chains
You carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
Later, in 1999, one of my favorite movies was released: a comedy called “Office Space.” The main character-Peter-- is stuck in a job he hates, working around people he mostly can’t stand. One day he attends a hypnosis session with his girlfriend, and the therapist attempts to reprogram Peter’s mind subconsciously. Peter falls into a state of deep relaxation, and without warning- the therapist has a sudden heart attack and dies right there in the middle of the session. While Peter’s girlfriend and others nearby rush to try and help save the therapists’ life, Peter is still under the hypnotic trance of relaxation. He stands up and walks out of the office, without a care in the world. Suddenly, Peter’s entire demeanor has changed. He’s chilled out, he’s not stressed, he’s able to say “no”, he’s not doing anything he doesn’t want to do, and he’s not trying to people please. It’s almost as if he remained in that relaxed state because the therapist never had the opportunity to bring him back from it. Peter remains this changed person, holding life loosely and unconcerned what others think of him or his newfound outlook on life. (And of course, several shenanigans ensue as a result, but you have to go see the movie for yourself if you haven’t already. :)
In my own life, I can identify with Peter. I went from being totally anal, totally controlling, totally type-A for like 35 years of my life, only to slide to the far opposite end of the spectrum. It didn't happen instantly for me like it did for Peter, but it happened nonetheless. Personally, I much prefer living this way to the former…. More than I can ever express. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a human and so obviously from time to time I become hormonal, exhausted, or just generally pissy for no real reason. But most days, I get to live unencumbered. I am not tied down to the minutia of all the dumb shit that used to put me into a tailspin before. The freedom that comes as a result from living in a place of radical acceptance of people, places and things is highly intoxicating. And like a true addiction, all I want is more and more of this liberation.
Like many historical stories of freedoms achieved, there is first a battle that occurs, sometimes an all-out war. (Interestingly, "War" is the title of another U2 album. How about that.) It was within my personal battles of searching for fulfillment from outside sources that I found that my ticket to genuine freedom was surrender. Surrender to a letting go process of everything I thought I knew to be true in my life. All the so-called knowledge I thought I had…. The stagnant, religious dogma…..the selfish, ego-driven “I’m right, you’re wrong” mentality. To gain what I have today I had to choose to release all the old messages I had received along life’s journey that I had interpreted one black and white way- and locked me into a cage of constant self-doubt, guilt and shame, misunderstanding, mistrust of God and the Universe-and unrealistic expectations of people, places and things. I looked externally for avenues of healing. In the words of the Indigo Girls, “I sought solace in a bottle or possibly a friend.” Never realizing that what I was seeking was inside me all along. I couldn’t see that a shift in perspective was what I desperately craved and needed to receive all the abundance and joy I could ever imagine in my life. I’m not talking physical abundance, I’m talking that soul-changing, life-giving, "seeing the world through a new lens despite the circumstances" type of abundance. It’s intangible. It’s as if the power was found through becoming powerless.
This is my third month going through the book “A Course in Miracles” with a small group of sweet friends. One of the major themes of this old pivotal spiritual book (I can say it’s old because it was written the same year I was born. :) is forgiveness….. forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others. The entire book is such a beautiful example of cyclical learning to continually seek those “miracles” or perspective shifts. It’s an acceptance that I’ve created my own delusions based on how I’ve interpreted the world, and that I manifest my own problems when I’m fear based as opposed to love centered. So now when I start to feel that tugging, nagging old irritation over a situation or a person, or a resentment brewing….instead of running from it, I’m currently practicing allowing myself to recognize that emotion and feel it for a few seconds. To touch it, breathe into it, and prepare to release it. Then I get the opportunity to forgive myself for falling backwards into fear- and I get take hold of the miracle, or the shift in perspective, and move forward into love and forgiveness.
I hope this doesn’t sound too obtuse, and depending on where you are or what you believe about your own personal life journey, it might. But here’s the point: it’s as if I get to wear life like a lose garment. Like for 35 years or so I walked around in tight, oppressive, polyester, unbreathable clothing because I didn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t horrible, it just wasn’t the best choice for me. And now….. well, it’s as if someone introduced me to combed cotton loungewear, and at this point in my journey, all I want to do is live in it. It’s as if I just want to throw out all that old clothing, because those old threads and fabrics now feel like costumes that no longer fit, and they actually suffocate me. Honestly, those costumes never really fit in the first place….I just pretended and hoped that eventually they would. As a result of removing the costumes, every day I get to participate in the divine dance of life, and freefall into her mystery.
I believe the kingdom has come, and all the colors have bled into one.
I’m profoundly blessed to be able to say today: I’ve found what I was looking for.