Adventures in Disarming Dragons
Gest Drive was not exactly the most happening of streets to grow up on. Gest Drive was a street literally full of old folks, and the Carltons lived in the epicenter of the senior citizen brigade. On either side of us there were two Marys who were both widows. So, yep, we were the meat in the Mary sandwich, as wrong as that sounds. Mary L. lived on one side of us, and other than her 3 pack of Marlboros per day smoking habit, the thing she was best known for was this gross nut-covered wax cheese wheel she brought to us each year during the holidays. In fact, we had a saying that it wasn’t Christmas until the cheese wheel made an appearance. On the other side lived Mary F., who had a sparkling kidney-shaped pool and worked as a nurse in my pediatrician’s office.
I’ve actually never told anyone this-not even Andrew, (so shhh don’t tell anyone ;) but I once busted her high school son and his friends sneaking home from St. Francis High School in the middle of the day to have the best hookey afternoon ever. I was out in the backyard- I’m going to guess I was about 8 years old or so, and we had a half day at Springer Elementary so I, too, was home at an unnatural time of day. At any rate, I was minding my own business, in my “Tears for Fears” T-Shirt, making paint creations on the Spir-o-Graph, as you do. I remember hearing a commotion coming from Mary F.’s, and looking around, I decided to play Nancy Drew and check it out. I leaped over my pile of Cheetos and Capri Suns in my lime-green Zips (they made me run faster, can I get a witness? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?), bolted over to the fence, and pressed my face up against the warmed-by-the-sun pine knothole. There, in the California sunshine, in all their glory, were 6 naked teenage boys chatting and laughing as they ascending a ladder perched up against the side of Mary’s stucco house to the roof. There was a cooler on the roof and they were cracking open cans and chugging them, laughing hysterically between chugs. One by one they proceeded to leap off the roof and hurtle through the air, arms flailing Scooby-Doo style, plunging into the swimming pool below, screaming and laughing, cans in hand. I can tell you this: Nothing that exciting ever went on at Mary L’s house, although she did have a boyfriend, who was approximately 954 billion years old. I overheard him once talking about constipation as be BBQ’d chicken on the Weber. Not quite as fascinating as the naked boys drinking and jumping off the roof.
My best friend Jen was one of the only other people on the street who wasn’t old enough to collect Social Security. She and I met at a Rummage Sale, hosted by aforementioned Catholic High School, and we became instant friends. Jen had an older brother, Jeff, who wore Op shorts made of corduroy pretty much every single day of his life. Jeff introduced Jen and I to the Atari game system one summer, and not only were our minds blown- but our lives were pretty much changed forever.
Pac Man, Frogger, Grand Prix, you name it, Jeff had it, and we played it. Jeff’s Navy blue Op shorts pretty much became ass-less chaps that summer from all the sitting on the brown yarn couch in their den, playing video games. Butt cheek marks were imprinted forever on the foam cushions, and our brains melted to mush, but man was it worth it. Jen and I had a favorite game: It was called “Adventure”-and trust me, you young folks would literally be appalled by the graphics. Compared to Fortnite they were ridiculously lame, but this was the early 80’s my people. So for your amusement and enjoyment I’ve included some photos for your viewing pleasure. I digress.
OK so anyway, here was the deal with this game called “Adventure”, and it’s not unlike many of the other storylines of video games : There was a magical Golden Chalice that you had to find and return to the golden Castle. To find the Golden Chalice, you had to fight this Yellow dragon, kill it, and then pick up a key he was guarding and bring it to the exit of the room to unlock the next level. Awaiting your entrance was a now a Green dragon, which was essentially a faster and more agressive version of the yellow dragon. Finally there was the Red Dragon, who was the loudest, quickest, and most aggressive of them all. It took practice to learn to slay the Dragons and collect the keys to advance to the next level in pursuit of this elusive Golden Chalice.
Part of the challenge was there was this random irritant trying to foil your plans to at seemingly every move: a weird bat avatar in the game that would fly through the kingdom at annoying times and move items you thought were one place, but they turned out to be somewhere else because the bat had moved it. Sounds much like my house: the minute I go to look for that one pair of shoes, it appears the bat has absconded with them and I find them in a dress up toy box one of my teenage daughters’ rooms.
Like many stories, books and written prose throughout history, there is an underlying theme or storyline which looks like my own life with an uncanny, almost alarming resemblance. When I encounter “Dragons” (or people in my life who are projecting their issues onto me) it’s almost the same situation, they roar and snarl and I have to figure out what works best so can get away safely. Here’s the interesting part. The Dragon is guarding the key that unlocks the castle door so I can move onto the next level. The goal is to get the key without being eaten, and get out of the way so I can get to the castle and unlock it in peace.
Here are Three Keys to Disarm Dragons:
(AKA Disarming Toxic Behaviors)
Choose Your Response. (Key 1) I finally realized I was giving these Dragons power over me by letting them rob me of my peace of mind and my serenity, by engaging in fruitless, heated conversations. Pretty soon I was feeling like crap because I would find myself in these incendiary discussions, all wrapped up in a petty and lame argument, being pretty much eaten alive, and or what ultimate benefit? To see who can get the last word in? I’m not a fan of the draining energy that swirls around as a result of being in conflict with someone, so then why would I contribute towards that? It just doesn’t make sense, and it doesn’t line up with my goals.
It took years for me to finally realize what I was doing was actually like giving the Dragons Pac-Man pellets or Scooby Snacks and feeding them, so to put it non-eloquently, the Dragons were basically getting off on my reactions. The more I fed these Dragons by taking the bait and biting back, I actually made them bigger and stronger because the Dragons simply learned just what to say or do to get under my skin. (Newsflash: I couldn’t grab the key while engaging with the Dragon.)
In some cases the Dragon was intentionally doing it, and sometimes they were completely clueless and couldn’t see what they were doing. Regardless of their intention, it doesn’t matter, because Dragons just do what they do. Dragons just roar. I have a choice. I can’t choose other people’s behavior, but I can choose my response.
Ultimately I have to go home and lay my head down on my own pillow at night and live with the things I’ve said or done for the day. So I get to choose, and I’ve found that for me, the path of least resistance is to let any negative feelings touch that place of pain (without resisting it which is denial) and then let those feelings keep moving (e-motion) right on by.
“Going Brain Dead” (Key 2)
I started to learn to take my power back by letting those Dragons’ projections offer me the awareness I needed to face that uncomfortable feeling for a second. Pain brings awareness to a place that still requires more healing. In other cases, that pain is an indicator that I have old narratives just stuck on repeat, as if I have an old phonograph record player from my neighbors on Gest Drive, and the record I’m playing has a scratch on it which gets stuck on the injured area of the vinyl.
The Brain Death is just a way of detaching from the Dragon while you’re waiting to get a word in edgewise while it’s roaring. Here’s what you do: Just relax and see if for what it really is. We all have hot spots and cold spots. It’s ok. (Clearly the Dragon is stuck on repeat too, and spraying out droplets of toxic poison.) You don’t need to attach yourself to that area of pain- yours OR the Dragon’s. Just hear the roar of that Dragon, acknowledge it touches something in you, and think about something else while the it’s growling at you. I just try to not engage. Instead, when I hear something that threatens my serenity, I think, ok, ouch, and I just go “Brain Dead” and say the serenity prayer in my head.
(OR if I’m feeling less spiritual, I think about what I need to order from Amazon Fresh, or what kind of trip I’d like to go on, or what color to paint the bathroom- or whatever!!!!) The point is, It’s all ok, and I have my roaring moments too. (As my Franciscan Friar friend Richard Rohr says, “Everything Belongs”.) It helps me to shift my focus so I don’t get all flustered with humanity and react… and later regret.
The Thank You Bridge (Key 3)
Keep your eye on this bridge so that the bat doesn’t come by and steal it. You’re going to need it. The Thank you Bridge (TYB) is different than a Deflection Shield. Deflecting basically just makes the Dragon’s words bounce right off of me like laser beams and I divert the content and change the direction. Nothing wrong with that. But a step further is to honor the other hurting humans around me and realize that again, we are all full of both light and darkness, and that connects us. We all have faults and character defects. Those who acknowledge this are just a step ahead of the game.
Don’t overthink it, and don’t attach yourself to it and slide into “I suck” mode. (Remember Rex Kwon Do from Napoleon Dynamite? “Break the Wrist, Walk Away.”) With practice, when you encounter a Dragon, it actually becomes pretty easy after awhile. So when the Dragon roars: Recognize the roar is just a mirror; like those naked boys on Mary F.’s roof, I feel exposed when a Dragon holds up that mirror. So, fine, whatever- just be exposed for a second and feel it. Then let the emotion move (e-motion) through you. Grab the TYB and use it. Walk away from that toxic Dragon. I’m telling you, with a little commitment and practice, this shit becomes pretty second nature and it works magically.
For example, just a couple of weeks ago, my older daughters and I were hanging out at Alki Bach in West Seattle and one of my girls had a bandage on her foot. An older lady (probably a former resident of Gest Drive) was walking by and decided to stop and give me a lecture on how I shouldn’t let her put her feet in the Puget Sound because she might get an infection. First reaction? It pissed me off. Why? How did this lady know what was going on with the toe? How did she even know if it was a cut or not? Maybe she just liked to wear a bandage for fashion, I mean, anything goes these days, you know? Or what the hell, maybe it’s a symbol in solidarity for an amputee friend, maybe she doesn’t want to get her pedicure messed up- who knows! Who freaking cares?!? It could have been any multitude of reasons this lady was totally clueless about.
Because I’m human and I didn’t like the feeling of this lady was projecting her inner issues onto me, I felt gross inside for a hot second. She was reflecting back to me in that mirror a fear that I’m not a good mom. I felt that emotion. It’s not an emotion unique to me; every parent I know has had that exact fear from time to time, so it doesn’t make me a bad person. However, I have (mostly) learned not to take it personally because I her rant isn’t about me, it doesn’t line up with my core values and who I am. So I let that e-motion wash over me for a second. Then I just waited for her to take a breath. Then I just smiled and said “Thank You…Excuse Me” I built that bridge and closed the conversation.
As if on cue, she just looked at me and had so idea what to say, so she walked away. It disarmed her immediately and stopped her in her tracks. It was as if she was immediately put on her back foot because she had no response for me at that point, she didn’t know what to do because I didn’t engage, and I let her tirade fall on deaf ears and it fell flat to the ground. I wasn’t trying to be rude, I just wasn’t going to let this lady’s roar cause disharmony in my spirit.
I’ve found that little phrase is just kind mostly perfect in those situations- just “thank you.” Because it’s kind, and it’s also giving them the benefit of the doubt and acknowledging that I believe the person was trying in their own weird way to be helpful. It can be surprising, but lots of people do not have the self-awareness to realize when it’s not their place to say things, and so it’s a way of just gently letting their toxicity move past you. It’s like the tai chi of conversation: just don’t pick up that energy, help it to move on by.
If you want to, you can tack on another little phrase gem that works great if it seems appropriate. You can always say: “That’s Interesting!” (Because it is.) So, combined, it sounds like this: Commence lecture or unsolicited advice from unwelcome source. (Dragon.) So now, just a little review:
Key 1: Remember You get to Choose Your Response when you notice the emotion you feel when that Dragon holds up that mirror, and let it emote and pass.
Key 2: Go Brain Dead During Lecture (you won’t get any more upset than you need to.)
Key 3: Use Your Thank You Bridge, which is the secret weapon. say,“That’s Interesting! Thank you.” politely excuse yourself, walk away, turn back to your conversation, or just change the subject.
In this video game of life, the Adventure and the Dragons are real, but there are strategies to deal with them that really work. It’s just practice: one step at a time to slay Dragons, obtain the key, and unlock the next level of achievement. The Golden Chalice that awaits me at the end is a feeling harmony and peace with myself first and foremost, and the bonus points manifest in my being proud of the choices I make in a day that align with my personal values. I don’t do it perfectly, but when I screw it up, it’s not like it’s permanent; I can always hit the reset button.